Existential Clarity and Jewish Mysticism in Catalonia, Spain

This past weekend was the Jewish holiday of Shavuot, which is when the Hebrew people received the Torah at Mount Sinai. I had the blessings to spend the holiday with world renowned author and kabbalist, Rav Dovber Pinson, and a small group of friends in Catalonia, Spain. The themes of the weekend were great food, Jewish history in the region, esoteric meditation, and the concept of existential clarity.

I truly believe that we are guided, that there is a force beyond the veil, something felt but not seen, that is nudging us along this life-path. I believe that this nudge speaks to us through the mechanisms of the physical world and the physical body. For example, misalignment on our path can show up as physical ailment in the body. Or for example, something may unexpectedly not work out as we planned, creating a big disappointment, when in fact, it was leading us to something more aligned that we hadn’t considered yet. In these ways, life guides us along.

A great example of life-guiding is when I moved out of my apartment in Austin, Texas. I thought I was moving out of the apartment simply to move into a house with some girlfriends. Little did I know that my (sudden) move-out was actually to catapult me deeper into my Jewish practice, first to Mexico, and then to Spain and Israel, where I would pick up fragmented pieces of my lineage and of myself.

You see, I moved out of that apartment and into my friend’s home only to suddenly move out 14 days later due a mold issue in the house requiring immediate construction. I was ready to go see my family in Atlanta when, two days before my flight, plans fell through and a day later I found myself and my dog in the home of a Mexican-oracle in Cancun, Mexico.

The oracle and I were about to do a fire-ritual to release that which no longer served, when she told me she had to first do an invocation. I always invoke before a ritual, but I wondered, what Gods does this Mexican-shaman invoke?

And to my not-that-surpised-surpise she put on a recording of one of the most powerful Jewish prayers for protection that exists: Ana Bakoach. I was in the right place.

We did a series of these rituals, day after day. Each time, the fire snap-crackle-popped as it disintegrated the stuck energy of that which no longer served. The fire would leave behind charred, gray remains.

On the third day, I decided to chant Ana Bakoach during the ceremony. The fire became calm. It burned evenly, leaving nothing but pure, white remains.

On the fourth day, another woman came to the circle and wanted to sing a chant from some other lineage. The chant sounded aggressive. There was competition and jealousy in the tone. The fire ragged. It lept and flickered angrily. One man, sensitive to the energy, left the ceremony altogether. When the woman finished, after a pause, I began to sing Ana Bakoach. The fire stilled. It became calm. The space was safe, again.

I share this story to explain to you the power of words, vibration, and language. Kabbalistically speaking, creation starts with an idea and evolves into a thought, but it cannot cross from thought to form without language. What is language? Language is vibration. It is the mechanism for creation. It is the bridge from the intangible to the tangible.

Before the written torah was the primordial torah, the blueprint that was not-written, but that was vibrational. You can think of the torah as scroll with ancient stories, but before that, there was still another form of torah. Think of the word torah as the blueprint for creation itself. Think of it as a song, a sound, a single tone from which all of creation will emerge.

So now we come to the teaching of Klal and Pratt, the singularity and the multitude. (Disclaimer, everything I share from the teachings this weekend with Rav. Pinson is truly my own understanding. The chasm between what he shared, what I heard at 4am, and what I integrated is immeasurable).

Creation began with a singularity, Klal. From the klal, it disperses into the multitude, the pratt. But from the multitude, it eventually merges back into the singularity, and yet, the second singularity is not the same as the original. The original singularity had never been divided, whereas the later singularity is made up of the many.

We know that language greatly influences our mindset. Language “programs” how we see the world and our place in it. The narrative we tell ourselves directly impacts our experience. Thus, if the ancient hebrew language emerged from the singular original sound of creation, it then dispersed into the many letters, sounds, and vibrations that make up the alphabet, which in turn becomes even more multiplied as the letters combine into words, sentences, paragraphs, and ultimately the stories that we live by. The idea is that, in the original language are essential facts of creation: giving and receiving, love and boundary, stillness and chaos, for example. Therefore, it is fascinating to see how the ancient hebrew language has been dispersed into and influenced other languages, such as Catalan, for example.

I am not an etymologist, but a friend on the trip has studied the history of these languages in depth. The trip was like a scavenger hunt: finding clues of Jewish history in an ancient stone wall engraved with hebrew letters, hearing the remnants of hebrew in some of the Catalan language. For example, the nearby town is called “Olot.” A town high up in the mountain, “Olot” is like the hebrew word “Oleh,” which means, “to go up.” For many hundreds of years, Jewish life thrived in this region. Before the expulsion of 1492 (and dates varied a bit depending on region), Jewish medicine, philosophy, and business thrived here. Many of the original kabbalists were from the region.

Something that I did not know is that may Ashkenazi (Eastern European) Jews also had roots in Spain, albeit longer-ago is history. And suddenly, so many pieces began to come together for me.

As a 19 year old college student, I had chosen to study abroad in Spain, but of all of the program I could have done, I chose the smallest program available to me, in an island off the coast of Catalonia, Spain. I did not know at the time that this was a hub for Jewish life and kabbalistic thought for centuries. I remember my 19 year old self taking my daily job by the sea and asking God “what do you need me to find here?” I knew there was something important for me there, but I didn’t know what it was, until last weekend.

I realize now that at 19, my ancestors were speaking to me. I wasn’t able to consciously hear them at the time, but they were downloading me with what I would need to know. It was shortly after the study abroad in Catalonia that I ended up in Israel learning kabbalah. They were guiding me all along. Even though I couldn’t consciously hear their words, I was being downloaded with the essence of what I needed to know.

After Spain, I practiced observantly for a few years, I studied kabbalah in Israel and then I put it on the shelf, so to speak, for nine years. Granted, I still felt connected to the teachings, I still honored shabbat on Friday, but I was on a different path for a while, my focus elsewhere, discovering other essential pieces of the puzzle, as story for another time.

Then one day, some nine years later, after spending the better part of the past three years alone in the forest (a story for another time), I sat down to do something entirely different, and ended up with a card deck and 200 page book about kabbalah. Although I worked alone on the project, I truly didn’t write it myself. It was a moment of being called forward by that which is behind the veil.

The essence of the teachings lived within me, even if I hadn’t totally known how to articulate it. But then, suddenly, a book came through me. After writing the book, people wanted me to teach about the subject. Ironically, I had to refer to the book I wrote, because it really didn’t come from me, it had come through me. As I began teaching from the book, I remembered why the Jewish rituals of my lineage were important to me I remembered that, in fact, there was rich magic and meaning behind many of the invocations and practices. And I began to practice again.

A short time later, I moved to Austin where I would continued to be called forth by my community to teach on Jewish Mysticism, and their calling me forth would ultimately call me back, to Spain, and to Israel.

I arrived in Israel two weeks ago. Kabbalat shabbat I sang with friends as the sun set over the hills outside Jerusalem and tears of gratitude streamed down my face. I felt the young woman who I had been , 22 years old, finally integrating into my heart as the woman I am now. A week later, I found myself in Spain, and again, I felt my 19 year old self finally getting the answer to her question, “what am I supposed to find here?” And what did she find?

What I realized in Catalonia is that there is, indeed, a deeper force guiding. At 19, I was picking up a scent-trail of my story: kabbalah, mysticism, Jewish history. I’ve just used a lot of words in an attempt to describe something indescribable, really. But if I am to sum it up, it is “Essence.”

There is an essence to each of us that is our truth and our path. And the truth is, you can feel it if you quiet yourself enough to listen.

On shavuot, Rav. Pinson taught (or at least this is what I gathered from what he taught), that as we receive the torah, we receive “existential clarity.” I was very excited at first the shavuot should bring me clarity, afterall, I have so many questions in my life right now! “Should I do this or that? Should I go here or there?” etc. But then he went on to say that if we woke up after shavuot with all our questions answered, we probably did it wrong, and should start all over! Rather than specific clarity, we would actually get existential clarity!

I was very dismayed to hear that I should not expect specific clarity, and I really resisted the idea of existential clarity. It sounded so lofty and esoteric. What did it even mean? How could it help me? I wanted to know. I basically disregarded that statement and pretended I didn’t hear it. I was determined to wake up with all my questions answered.

I woke up. (Thank God). And none of my questions were answered. Rather, all my my answers were questioned. And I felt like I might just have a taste of what “existential clarity” means. I am sure there are layers to this that I haven’t even begun to fathom, but for now, I got a whiff.

Think about all the questions you have in your life right now. Is this the job for me? Is this the relationship for me? Should I move to a new city? Should I set different boundaries with that friend? Should I apply to this program? Should I be more accepting of that person? etc. Often times questions like these create anxiety because we want an answer that we trust will move us closer toward who believe we are and how we believe it should be. But imagine that you allowed all your preconceived notions about who you are to be questioned.

I heard a story today about a young man who spent all his money on a fancy car, which was stolen. He then got an insurance settlement for the stolen car which he used to buy a townhome, which he later sold for a small fortune, which he invested to start a business, which made him millions. Ultimately, the thief had done him a huge favor by stealing the car, propelling him towards a greater purpose.

What is you released the expectations on yourself and on what needed to happen for you to feel happy?

My trip in Spain was coming to close, and I was in the taxi on the way to the airport. The traffic was abnormally bad, and despite my best intentions, the cab driver assured my that we would arrive at the airport about 90 minutes before my international flight. It was looking quite likely that I would not make the flight. After moving through some resistance, I finally accepted the facts. I would spend the day in the barcelona airport. I would eat sardines and macro bars. I would be fine. If I had to stay the night in barcelona, I’d figure that out, too. It was all figure-out-able. About two minutes after I expressed my new-found peace to my friend, the traffic miraculously cleared. I made it to the airport with plenty of time. I floated through security at high-speed with zero hinderance, and had a peaceful flight back to Tel-Aviv.

Later, my friend pointed out, “hey, did you notice how, as soon as you accepted that you might miss the flight,the traffic cleared?” And he was right.

So, what do you have resistance to? What are you unclear about or afraid of? And what if we questioned all of our preconceived notions of how it should be, and allowed for something deeper to reveal itself?

So as I sit here in my hostel in Tel-Aviv, preparing to do a podcast interview with a woman here I met last night, and preparing to travel back to Jerusalem to my new apartment tomorrow, I acknowledge the clarity I received on shavuot. I sit here with all my answers questioned, and with a sense of existential clarity in my belly. What is the existential clarity? It is an essence, hard to put into words, but if I had to try, I’d say this: it is the trust that I am being guided, that there is a force beyond the veil that is guiding me, and that not only do I have the ability to hear and listen, but in fact, I have been listening to it and being guided by it all along.

May we all be so blessed so as to have that deep sense of clarity, even amidst all of our questions.

Speaking of clarity, I do card reading with my Four Worlds Alchemy Deck (the one I told you about). It’s important to know that they are not predictive and I won’t tell you what to do. What I will do is use a foundation of Jewish Mysticism (kabbalah) to guide you through an introspective process that will help you to draw out the truth that is already within you, and which will leave you feeling more sure of yourself than you have in a long time. To learn more or to book a session, you can visit me at sheefrablume.com